It took me thirty seven years since that expedition, before I was able to visit that hill again, entirely with a different mindset and seeking the path the sixteen year old had laid. Having been buried in a ‘political’ world with ample stresses that kept me awake till late each night, there was little time for spirituality or religious pursuits. As a matter of fact, the daily exposure to news of constant tribulations of countless communities around the world and injustice that was leveled at them with calculated strategies gave me very little confidence in spirituality or divinity. The mass murder of millions in Rwanda perpetrated with the explicit knowledge of the so called civilized world, the invasion of sovereign nations to exploit their natural resources under the guise of “global security”, the plunder of pristine ecosystems out of corporate greed where man once lived in perfect harmony with the nature or the systematic annihilation of countless communities as the world negotiated a “diplomatic” outcome were pre-occupations in my mind that questioned the existence of a divine power and allowed no time to think of inner peace or spirituality. It was in this environment did I receive a book titled “Self Realization” by a friend who was much senior to me, but someone who had encouraged me for my public commitments. This was a book about the life story of the boy who had taken to the hill at the age of sixteen. With my ‘busy’ schedule, I left the book untouched for almost a year, when one day I opened the book to find that it spoke of the hill that I had visited more than twenty six years ago. Once I began reading the life story of Venkataraman, I could not stop. As I finished reading it, the life of Venkataraman transformed as Ramana Maharishi had captivated me completely. His message was simple – ask yourself as to “who you are” and when you find the answer you will know God. His simple existence wearing only a loin cloth and remaining silent, imparting and sharing his messages with his seekers only by mind was different to those who adorned saffron garments and spoke endlessly as to how they could bring everyone to salvation and enlightenment. Even more astounding was that the sixteen year old “mouna swami”, Ramanar had been attracted to the hill, Arunachala, and had remained there for the remainder of his life, never leaving it physically even for a moment. For Ramanar, Arunachalam was Lord Shiva and to be in the presence of Arunachalam was the ultimate. When it struck me, at the age of eighteen I had been on the same hill but had no spiritual calling or feeling and had roamed pretty much the entire hill with no inclination of its spiritual significance, a strong feeling of missed opportunity took over me. It was at a time, when a visit to India and more specifically to Thiruvannamalai was unimaginable; under the prevailing situation, I was unsure whether such a possibility would ever arise. I read the book twice more and as I re-read, there was an unexplainable pull that drew me closer to Ramana Maharishi and I started slowly relating myself to this amazing being. Simple gestures in his life began to make sense and the total devolvement he had from the material world made me wonder about his total surrender. As a teenager, how he paid total disregard to possessions and allowed his life to be guided only by his absolute faith began to amaze me. Resolved to the idea that I will never visit the hill in my lifetime, I sought after books and materials from Ramana Ashram, through kith and kin who visited.
Sometime back I had heard that, one had to lose something important in life to realize or gain something else that was far more precious. When the opportunity finally came to visit the Ashram, my life had already been turned completely inside out. After many years in public life and having earned the respect and admiration of countless people across the globe, an indiscretion, a distraction that tempted my inner resolve to break, a blindness that shrouded my sensibilities, an urge to seek pleasures in moments of weakness and loneliness, my lack of judgment of the consequences of the actions and the callous and hazardous thinking that I can get away with it, all combined together was resulting in a typhoon that was growing in intensity by the day. The incidents that were taking over my life were unraveling at break neck speed and were turning unexpectedly at every turn. Those who had vowed undivided companionship were suddenly finding it difficult to accept me and felt as though they were dealing with a leper. The ones closest to me were extracting promises and demanding changes that were uncharacteristic of my personality as a precondition for their ongoing relationships; yet, despite the promises, the willingness to forgive was waning day by day and the distance between was rapidly widening day by day. Those who genuinely showed immense respect and exalted me to heights unimaginable were suddenly feeling cheated. Those who had travelled the difficult paths with me in the past were finding it embarrassing and excruciating to explain my actions to others who were questioning their judgment for associating with me. Again, others who waited for an opportunity to cast a stone at me found the perfect opportunity to strike. From being a person of integrity and high morals, I had suddenly become the fallen angel with failing morals.
When the world suddenly wants to avoid you and disassociate you, the queasy feeling of ‘unwantedness’ pressing on your chest is so tight that even with all the air around you, you feel breathless. Each morning as you wake, you do so with a sense of rejection and worthlessness. The loneliness you feel defines the mind set for the rest of the day and makes you feel not to want to leave the bedroom. Even going to the toilet and dressing up feels such a worthless exercise wondering how people are going to judge you in your attire that day. As the day progresses, with nothing better to do, you stare at the television or into a book while your mind is far away disinterested in doing anything at all. Those close to you keep regurgitating their mental aversion towards you and spit at you with words full of innuendos, hatred and venom. When you try to pull yourself back and try to hide away from their sight, no space is dark or far enough to avoid them. Food becomes tasteless and even swallowing a morsel would make your stomach churn and it becomes a fight to keep the food down. You experience no hunger at all, even though you would have missed several meals or had only sparingly eaten. You feel as though everything around you is squeezing you and your irritation flares up. You begin to show your anger at the slightest agitation and find fault with total strangers for even matters of insignificance. Like a trapped animal, you begin to scratch and snarl, not externally but internally at your own heart and mind. It is such a negative and dark sensation that would drive you to consider taking your life to simply escape the situation. The feeling becomes so intense sometimes that your mind begins to prepare for all eventualities that need to be done to make things easy for those left behind once you have taken out your life. Some small kind gestures from those who are still in touch with you without prejudice act as the spark that brings you back to your senses. The desperation I was feeling was taking a toll and I was prepared to take any risk to rectify the situation. Thus, came about a trip to India!
